Smart Human Labeler™

Issue 030

It’s that wonderful time of year again and you’re probably hunting for the perfect gift. Our shopping writer scoured over a hundred online stores to put together a list of ideas. After filtering out what our editor deemed unnecessary inventions and products nobody asked for, we’re excited to share the one item that actually made the cut:

The Smart Human Labeler™ is not your average label maker. It’s an AI-powered handheld scanner that listens to the first three words someone speaks, or simply scans their appearance, and instantly produces a convenient label for them. Designed to preserve the human instinct to judge others on sight, now enhanced with automated hypocrisy to save you time and effort. The Smart Human Labeler™ is not futuristic. It’s late.

Features

• Instant Character Analysis

For instance, device hears: “Actually, Palestinians also have a right to…”

Label Prints: “Anti-Semite”.

• Emotion recognition

Device hears: “I appreciate your feedback…”

Label prints: “Feels attacked”.

• Contextual Intelligence

Device hears: “May I suggest we…”

Label prints: “Furious but practicing maturity”.

• Energy-Saving Technology

The device is programmed to automatically skip labeling vegans, lawyers, and architects, since they tend to introduce their own labels within the first few words anyway.

• Easy Smartphone Sync

Link your Smart Human Labeler™ to your smartphone to manage labels effortlessly, get instant updates, and unlock extra features like Family Mode, Dating Mode, Red Flag Detection, and more.